What you can't see doesn't hurt: Part 1

Today I want to talk about abuse. Most people are unaware that they know people who are being or have been abused. Some people don't know it's happening. It doesn't matter what kind of abuse, Sexual, emotional, physical, or mental, they all lead to the same results. These are people who feel ashamed, alone, scared all the time.

How do I know what it feels like? Because I was there. I was sexually abused from the time I was 4 or 5 until I was 11. No one knew until I was 14 and I finally told someone, who told my family, my family didn't believe me. I told them because I was also sexually assaulted by someone I thought was a friend. I had had enough.

Again nothing was done, no one, except my mom, believed me. Both of these "men" still walk around today. All I can do is pray and hope they don't do it again, although chances are they will.

The fact that I am a woman and they are men doesn't make a difference. it could have been the other way around. Only men are more ashamed to come forward than women only because of the stereo types we have put on them. I think it's shameful the way society as a whole has done this.

That's not all I was through though. When I was 19 I met my children's father. This is the reason I have a hard time getting past a lot of the other things I went through. He was something else and I see now that everything moved too quickly. I was manipulated in ways I'm not even sure I have the full grasp of. He made me push away my family, my friends and everything I did was not good enough. I would cook and clean,  but then I wasn't getting the kids out of the house enough, so then I tried getting the kids out of the house, but then the house wasn't clean.

He also drank, everyday, an 8 pack of beer, while he repeatedly told me and everyone else that he wasn't an alcoholic because of this or that. Always he had an excuse and always a great way of absolving himself of any and all blame. He also liked cocaine. He was using 3 times a week. after 6 years of being together he had manged to break my "no illegal drugs" rule. I didn't want to do them, I hate myself of letting this happen, but I did. He was always "well maybe you'll talk to me about our problems and we can fix things".

To be truthful, I was always afraid to be completely open to him, like something in me knew not to open up to him 100%. He always had a way of making me feel insignificant or another way to describe it is I felt more like a child than a partner. I was stubborn and refused to ask him for help, I think something in me just knew it wasn't going to work, that something wasn't right, so I figured out how to manage by myself.

Besides that I was basically by myself. He would come home from work, park his ass on the couch and start drinking beer. That's all he would do, except for bitch and complain about how the house was always such a mess. When I gave up, that included a lot of stuff around the house too. I mean what's the point of doing anything when all that happens is that I get bitched at because it's not the way his mom does it? Anything I did was never as good as his mom, weather it be cooking, cleaning, taking care of our kids, making his life as comfortable as possible. I was just never the right fit.

In truth I grew away because I started to despise what I was doing to please him. I started to hate myself for being a doormat, I started to hate him for treating me like that is what I was and making me feel like I couldn't do anything right and like all the people I did love and care about were loosers and not to have them around him. By the time my third child was born I had nothing left. I was an empty shell. I couldn't tell anyone how miserable I was. I couldn't breathe. I hated my life. I had tried to leave him a few times. He always had a way of manipulating me to go back. I tried for the kids. He had accused me of cheating so many times, but it was okay for him to do cocaine off of a naked strippers nipple, and it was okay for him to hit on every woman he laid eyes on and it was okay to go to his buddies hotel room, with a stripper. (He claims he didn't sleep with her)

He was an angry drunk too. I can't count how many times I would pretend to be tired and go to bed because he would suddenly get angry. He would throw things around. Punch things, kick them. Sometimes I would get lucky and he would go out instead of staying in and try to get into bar fights.

When we first got together he had been charged and found guilty of assault and assault causing bodily harm, from when he was with his ex, accused her of cheating on him and best the crap out of some guy who was severely injured. ( I know you're all thinking "why didn't you run then dumbass") I should have seen it then, but I was young and I was trusting. I met him when I was 19, on my birthday to be precise.

Can I just say: WORST BIRTHDAY EVER! seriously, and not even because that was they day I met him, but I had all of 4 people show up to my birthday party, 2 of which I didn't know and one being my mother. URG!

The second worst one was when my birthday landed on a UFC night, I was very pregnant with my second child at the time and all I wanted to do was go see a comedian because I had never been to one before. All night was complaining about how he'd miss UFC, and the only person I had for my birthday was my brother, everyone else was HIS friends for HIS UFC night.

Mind you I should have known better, don't get me wrong, I love being a mom, my kids are my life, but every now and then I like to go out dancing with my friends and get to sleep in a little bit. That was never the case either. He'd promise to let me sleep in, but only in front of my friends, the few that had his stamp of approval, and then never kept his "promise". I use quotation marks because any time he made a "promise" he never kept it.

For a few examples: He promised to quit smoke after our first child was born, he still smokes to this day. He promised to quit drinking everyday, guess what, he still drinks. He promised to quit doing drugs, instead he got worse. He promised we would get married, but that never happened either. He promised to pay child support, but, you guessed it, that never happened either, until he was forced to by fmep (they had to garanshed his wages) He promised to never try to take my kidsbaway from me. He promised so many things that never happened it would take me another entire blog to go through it all. I am kinda glad the wedding/marriage never happened. At least I was free to just leave.
Of course this was only the begining. I have dealt with 4 years of fighting for my kids and I am no where near done yet. I will never give up in them. Looks like another 14 years of dealing with this.